Image for blogpost by Tammey Brown

His Fault, Her Fault?

Image of woman sitting on dock at sunsetKatie is so frustrated with her husband! He just wants to save, save, save for HIS annual summer trip. It’s all he talks about all year, which he starts planning as soon as they get home from the current trip!

It was fun when they were first married. She smiled as she thought of how he would excitedly share the planning of their next big adventure with her! Sometimes he would swoop her up in his arms and dance with glee as he excitedly built up to sharing where they would visit next! Sometimes he would leave a beautiful card under her pillow with just the name of the destination written in there. Sometimes he would write it on the lid of her favorite latte and simply leave it on her desk. Once he even made it a riddle! Oh, that one was her favorite! He bought a lovely little set of Black Hills gold earrings and left them hanging from her rear-view mirror! Now he simply mentions it in passing… Oh, hey, what do you think of Peace Gardens this year? Yeah, ok. No coffee. No earrings. No loving gesture. Just words thrown at her as they passed in the hallway that morning.

Image of giftJake sighed as he pulled out of the driveway on his way to work. Katie has changed so much since their wedding! When they were dating they would sneak away for the weekend and just spend time together. Once they got married and had little Jaxon things changed and they had to start scheduling time. Then with the addition of Sarah, there was no more time for special weekends. She was always tired and all she wanted to do was shop! How can anyone want to own that many little trinkets? It was ridiculous. No matter how extravagant the annual trip he planned, she wasn’t happy until they went shopping and she bought some little thing from some cheezy little gift shop and something for the kids. Why didn’t she see he was trying to save for their one time of year they got to get away and spend some real quality time together? Last year when he told her over dinner that they were going to the Grand Canyon she actually asked him why he was just dumping it on her instead of giving it as a little gift. Stuff! That’s all she wanted. She was never happy. Just give her more stuff!

They were drifting apart. His fault? Her fault?

As Katie was complaining to her co-worker about how selfish Jake become, Janet offered that maybe he wasn’t being selfish. Perhaps he was just speaking his love language. Katie dismissed it. The language of love was romantic dinners and surprise coffees and beautiful earrings! It was when her husband took time out of his day to think about her and bring her wildflowers or listening to her when she pointed out an author she really wanted to read and leaving the newest book on her pillow. She shared all of this with her friend and ended with a long, sad sigh as she told Janet that she didn’t think Jake loved her anymore. He just loved work, baseball and his beloved annual trip.

What do you think of this couple? Which one is right? Is he being cold and distant or is she being greedy? His fault or hers that they are drifting apart?

Photo of couple It’s easy to stand on the outside and see that they obviously do still love each other and are desperate to rekindle what they once had. Jake spends all year planning a wonderful trip where he and his bride can get away and have seven wonderful, uninterrupted days together. Katie loves the time away, but enjoys bringing home something special from the trip to always remember their special time and something fun for the kids to show she missed them.

Janet was right. Jake is showing sharing in his love language of Quality Time. Katie’s language is Gifts. Although they don’t feel and express love the same way, they can learn the others language.

Before Katie went to the Peace Gardens with Jake, she learned about the 5 Love Languages. She decided to really focus on spending time with Jake. So, when he wanted a quiet little dinner where they could talk, she didn’t argue about going to the one she saw on the Food Network. Instead she made sure to hold his hand and give him her full attention. She told him how much she appreciated this time away with him and happily accepted when he offered a walk through downtown. Now that she knew he felt loved when they spent quality time together, she went out of her way to give it to him. At the end of their trip he felt so refreshed and thrilled that this vacation had sparked so much romance back in their marriage! He stopped by the little gift shop and picked a beautiful vase that she had admired in a shop window during their walk. She found it as she was unpacking from the trip. She held that stunning piece of art close to her chest and cried tears of immense joy. He did love her!

photo of couple quality timeRelationships are amazing. Two people from two worlds collide into one relationship. Each brings amazing treasures, experiences and expectations with them. Each also brings their own love language. Dating often tends to cover all of them at some point as couples seeks to spend quality time with each other and are free to share words of affirmation and encouragement. Gifts of cards, trinkets, flowers, candy or something their new love has admired are an easy and safe way to show affection. The anticipation of the first kiss and comfort of being held in the arms of someone that cares fulfills the love language of physical touch.

When dating most couples strive to help the loved one, which covers the last of the love languages; acts of service. We do them naturally in the courtship, so we feel loved and are found to be loving. Over the course of time though, many resorts to just their own love language and the other begins to not feel loved. Feeling unloved? Feeling frustrated? Maybe it’s just time for a translator to step in! Do you know your love language? Just as importantly, do you know theirs?

You can learn all about them at www.5lovelanguages.com. Once you know both, you will be able to better translate from what you thought to what really is. Perhaps she isn’t just greedy for more stuff? Perhaps she feels love through gifts and gestures that make her feel important and thought of? Remember, she was as thrilled with the coffee as with the earrings! Perhaps he isn’t selfishly trying to drag you away from everyone. Just maybe he craves quality time with the person he loves most. Just maybe she isn’t hanging on you constantly. Perhaps she simply feels loved through the warmth of human contact. And maybe, just maybe, taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn actually really does make her feel warm and fuzzy all over. Think about it. You are amazing, witty, and delightful. Now, go take that test and share in the comments what yours is and what makes you feel love 

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